Trumpets on trumpets, a stately wave of sound unheard by most. The brass tones contain a warmth which drove me to the instrument in the first place. Dissatisfaction brought me to the piano, and experimentation brought me to the harp.
I have sat here for the better part of 16 hours, mulling over music. When things go awry, I always seem to have a renewed inspiration. I started writing, but now, in an uncharacteristic stutter, I cannot find a way to make this song live. I am unsure of where it is going, and this almost never happens to me when I compose. I write first and foremost for myself. The songs never end up where I intend but they resonate with me, and that is all I require.
Perhaps it is the thoughts running through my head. Self-doubts and lingering concerns. Maybe I need to be clear headed to finish what I start. Then I think how some of my best songs were written at the most confusing and frustrating times.
I went into the family library this morning, which sounds more grandiose than it actually is, but the two rooms of books house almost everything we’ve collected over the years. I had something in mind to perhaps direct me, but I couldn’t find the volume I was looking for.
For now, writer’s block I guess. The piano is sitting in the corner, but I must leave soon. I couldn’t bring myself to play it without finishing this, and I’m still sitting here. Music. My love, and my downfall. At least this weekend.
I do enjoy my job. I genuinely like to help people understand the products we sell them. I like solving puzzles, and supporting encryption software has its share of puzzle solving, to be sure.
Unfortunately when I started, no one knew that the team I was joining would be down to a fraction of its previous size due to mostly unforeseen circumstances. I also didn’t have much luxury in terms of training time. I was active in the queues only a couple weeks in, and a week after that, I found myself essentially alone while the vast majority of the remaining team members were in training. I do see the irony here.
It went well enough, but it has hit critical mass. I am constantly working on cases, and the whole time I’m trying desperately to learn enough about the product so I can solve them more confidently, and also provide better insights.
I relocated for this job and left a lot of things I loved behind, and I really don’t want to regret it, but as I sit here I’m dreading the next case that drops in the queue. I feel like I’m walking on the edge of a cliff and something below is ready to pull my feet out from under me when I least expect it. Compound that with a sort of betrayal I have rarely felt, and I’m just a mess of frustrations and perceived inadequacies.
I am trying to live my life, how I want to live it, but it seems whenever I make a move I get thrown back to where I was.
It isn’t all doom and gloom though, I suppose. There is one thing that has kept me smiling for the most part.
Now though, I am not sure where I should go. I don’t know what is wrong, what is better for me. I thought I knew. I’ve thought that before.
Now, I can’t be sure. That is what it feels like anyway.